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Location: Glendale KY USA


Post by dirtwarrior »

Dear Friends,

My wife Susan is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
something akin to, "Hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I
have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story
chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled
my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I
bought something really cool for Susan. The occasion was our 33rd
anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet
girl. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse sized Tazer
gun with a clip.

For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a
less than lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate
an assailant with a shock of high voltage, low amperage electricity
while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived,
with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you
adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your
250 pound Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a
slobbering, goggle eyed, muscle twitching, whimpering, pencil neck geek.

If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly
missing out - way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
triple A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no
stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular
model would not create an arc between the prongs. How disappointing! I
do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however,
and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arc of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so
looking forward to. I did so.

Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a loud pop!!!
Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have
yet to explain to Susan what that burn spot is on the face of her

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple A batteries, etc., etc.
There I sat in my recliner, my dog Sassy looking on intently (trusting
little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Sassy) and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and
blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Sassy for a
fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet
dog, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Susan to
protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
would work as advertised.

Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, Tazer in the other. The directions said that a one second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three
second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground
like a fish out of water.

All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in diameter, pretty cute really, and loaded
with two itsy, bitsy triple A batteries) thinking to myself, "no
friggin' way!"

Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what
followed. I'm sitting there alone, Sassy looking on with her head
cocked to one side as if to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that
a one second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all
that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't
you agree?). I decided to give myself one second burst just for the
hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight - always twenty-twenty.

It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even
though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
**************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura
ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner,
then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely
recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked
under my body in the oddest position.

Sassy was standing over me making whinning sounds I had never heard
before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it
again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug
yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing
as a one second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let
go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by your violent
thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't
dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours

SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as
time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what
little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading
glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get
there??? My triceps, right thigh and both brests were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novacain, as
my bottom lip weighed 88 pounds, give or take an ounce or two, I'm
pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away.
I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and
handsome if I must say so myself. Miss'em . . . sure would like to
get'em back.

NOT true, but funny ain't it..........

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Post by Andy »


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Post by Jeff »

LOL! That is awesome... Great stuff!!!

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