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 PostPost subject: funny stories        Posted: Thu Feb 22, 2007 3:32 pm 
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A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, husband in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says as they drive away. "Stupid b$$$$$ was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat a** downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The taxi driver hit a parked car.

=============================

How to give a cat a pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Gently force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans; drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and mild soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on neck, to leave head showing. Gently force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with an elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little [censored]'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it if necessary. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect the "mutant cat from hell" and call local pet shop to see if they have any really small hamsters.






On the greener side of grass..... HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

1. Wrap pill in bacon.

2. Toss in the air

======================================

How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate! and make ample suds.
Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home.
Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

=====================


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 PostPost subject:        Posted: Fri Feb 23, 2007 2:14 pm 
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dont read this

It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble shitting.

No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of
technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were
constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my ass cheeks. It led to
much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to
shake the tenacious turd loose from its butt hair dwelling. Eventually I would have
to do two things: Either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the
lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all
over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go
for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter
before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold.

I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright
idea. "Hey, this is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate
all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to
myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted
statements: "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a
good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-line now has complete Usenet
access!" by some idiot system tech... such was my anal shaving idea.

I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to
sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began
the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occasionally, I would have to clean
the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on
the towel. Slowly, my twin cheeks and the between-ravine began to resemble the
hairless mounds of a newborn babe.

Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was
covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied,
thinking my troubles were over. Little did I know. I now have a great respect for
anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in
existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had
been taking it for granted.

For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into
the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to
sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my
crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two ass cheeks sliding past
each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off,
but had to get to class.

Eventually, I thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after
mingling with the microscopic shit-molecules lingering around my brown starfish.
When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky
[censored]/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch.
God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my
crack.

Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back
to the room. Unfortunately, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally
reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a
pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass
off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks.

As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled
the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all,
as the ripe aroma of festering [censored]/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my
face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass
cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with
the tangy smell of my own [censored] blowing right into my face, I had only one thought:
It will be like this until the hair grows back.

Weeks Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity,
I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair: Ventilation. I attempted to launch
a fart, only to have it get stuck between my ass cheeks. Apparently, with no hair,
the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating
fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.

As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever
shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble.
Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing
with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the
window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one
fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.


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 PostPost subject:        Posted: Sun Mar 18, 2007 12:31 am 
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omfg, now thats one turdy joke :shock: :oops:


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 PostPost subject:        Posted: Sun Mar 18, 2007 4:03 am 
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Yuck! But still funny :lol:

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 PostPost subject:        Posted: Mon Mar 19, 2007 2:33 am 
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hehe the toilet one is funny :P
what about a dog or a rabbit? :wink:

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