A few computer jokes

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Andy
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A few computer jokes

Post by Andy »

Someone in college sent me these today. Enjoy

Word processors never display a cursor. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.

All monitors display inch-high letters.

High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.

Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS".

All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.

Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.

All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards.

whats even worse is computers in the likes of CSI...

do they think no one has used a computer before...? There is only a limited number of pixels in a photograph.. you cannot zoom into the ring on someones finger who is stood 1000m away into a blur of a couple of pixels and then make it crystal clear!!!!

Then create a 3D model of that ring, run it by the police database of rings, create an amazing animation of your model and the database overlapping the two and flashing up in BIG red letters MATCH, MATCH, MATCH.

All done on an amazing computer with a 55" monitor with custom GUI. Why does no one just use windows?

stealth
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Post by stealth »

haha nice one and they are so true, everytime someone types something in a movie on the computer, it makes a bipping noise, like didnt that noise go out in 1960? and the pixel thing with csi, ive been questioning that for ages, sure you can do it with videos by gathering the best pixels by each frame, but photos, no you cannot

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Post by pr0gram the pr0grammer »

Heh, also all code that appears in movies is in binary. There are no languages, everyone just deals with ones and zeroes. Of course it's crackable in three seconds by an 8-year-old kid, who knows how to access the data supplier and connect you up to the mainframe. Don't forget the random bar graphs and blinking lights on the GUIs. You have to make it look like it's constantly doing something.

At least The Matrix Reloaded got it right: in it there is a hacking scene, but it's not the usual fake stuff. They're actually at a unix shell using nmap to enumerate services and sshnuke (a real exploit) to get a remote shell.
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Post by ___ »

i hate it how movies make the computers look like that

kichimi
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Post by kichimi »

You forgot about the deskjet printers that print at the speed of a industrial photocopier and allways make a high pitched beep when doing so.

Also, why do you allways see pc's running Mac OS X?
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Post by Gnome »

kichimi wrote:Also, why do you allways see pc's running Mac OS X?
i think it is cause mac like to use there own unit
not totily sure

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Post by empireum »

toshua123 wrote:
kichimi wrote:Also, why do you allways see pc's running Mac OS X?
i think it is cause mac like to use there own unit
not totily sure
What are you exactly talking about? Macs running OS X or PCs running OS X? I assume the former . Well, I've been getting the impression that Macs are used in movies to show something fancy and nice. Some people say that in the movies, the good ones use Macs and the bad ones use PCs. Don't watch enough movies to verify that, though. But it's right, the computer scenes in movies are mostly indeed horrible.

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Post by Andy »

kichimi wrote:You forgot about the deskjet printers that print at the speed of a industrial photocopier and allways make a high pitched beep when doing so.
Actually lazer printers often make quite a high pitch noise when printing. A few at my college do.

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Post by ppc_digger »

empireum wrote:Some people say that in the movies, the good ones use Macs and the bad ones use PCs.
They do on 24 (at least in season 5). It's like the light/dark suits in westerns.

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